She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
