I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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