my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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