I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
