1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
