i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
