If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
