Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
