god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
