I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
