i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
