Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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