life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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