if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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