The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
