Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
