But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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