Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
