They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
