Don't make out with my wife yet
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
