I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
