I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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