I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
