The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
