im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
