I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Couch. On fire.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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