i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
