That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
