He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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Did I show you my penis last night?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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