I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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