threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My life is pants optional.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
