It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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