just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
