Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
