My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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