So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
