Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
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We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.