Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
