i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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