i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
