I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
