would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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