Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
