I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
