Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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