hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
