you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
