I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
