Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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