Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
