I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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