My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
