the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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