u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When are your genitals available?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
