we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
