two words...techno handjob
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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