Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she peed on how many people?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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