Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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