i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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